The Impulse Buy That Destroyed Everything

The following is an original piece of writing by Shinjini Chakraborty.

It was nighttime, and I was nestled in my couch, watching T.V. Seriously guys, who doesn’t like those weird shows on the History Channel where they try to find aliens? They’re crazy. Plus, we all know that they’re out there. Partially because I know one. His name is James, and he crash-landed in my apartment. But that’s not important.
“Snuggies!” screamed the television suddenly. James gave me an annoyed look, but I didn’t notice. I was too busy listening to the announcer guy. “Buy ‘em now! They cover up your arms but leave your hands open! How cool is that?!”
“Hella cool,” I replied. “Super hella cool, and I want one. James, could you hand me my phone?”
James said something I can’t repeat and threw it at me. “Thanks, guy.” I said with a grin, and called the number that they showed on the screen. A tired sounding lady answered my call.
“Yo, how fast can you get me a Snuggie?” I yelled, not tired at all. Oh, by the way you guys, I was pretty outta my mind on Pixy Stix. Apparently, you’re not supposed to have a box of 1,200 all at once. But I, as the coolest person in New York City, had to eat them all at once. Because I just live like that.
The lady yawned before she replied. I huffed. She was moving too slow for me, a man at his maximum velocity. Time was moving much too slow!
“Do you live near a Wal-Mart, sir?” She said in a bored voice. I frowned. She sounded like she needed 1,200 Pixy Stix.
“Hellz yeah I do!” I shouted. “That’s ‘cause I live in the good ‘ol US of A!”
“That’s wonderful, sir.” She replied. “If you go there and buy one, you can have a Snuggie tonight.”
“Great, thanks, bye!” I was about to shut off my phone, but I felt like that farewell was much too short. “Uh, I love you!”
The lady hung up, and I huffed. “Rude.” I said. James swore in solidarity.
I was off of my couch in about three seconds like a true New Yorker. I had places to be, you guys! The cold air hit my legs, and I did not appreciate that. This was exactly the reason I needed a Snuggie.
I threw on my favorite jacket around my shoulders, and sprinted to the door—Well, I tried to. I tripped over one of James’s guns, and blasted a hole in the wall. The neighbors wouldn’t like that.
“What the heck, man?” I asked him, scowling. That was coming out of my security deposit for sure. “I told you to stop leaving your stuff around.”
James simply gestured around at all of my stuff that I’d left on my floor.
“… Shut up. At least I pay the bills.”
He let out a weird, grating, laugh. My neighbors were gonna complain again for sure.
I made my way to the door and frowned as I stepped outside and directly into a pile of snow. I probably should’ve put shoes on, but shoes aren’t for maximum velocity guys like me.
I hopped into my car and drove over to Wal-Mart to purchase mankind’s biggest accomplishment: The Snuggie. I think I might’ve run over a person or two, but that’s what they get for walking around during the middle of the night. Geez, don’t they have important things to do?
Anyways, I parked my car right in the entrance of the building like I always did and went inside. The Snuggies were on aisle twelve along with that cool machine that slices your bananas into eight equal bits. Man, we’ve got such awesome technology these days! James should be jealous.
I grabbed the Snuggie, and went up to the counter. “I’d like this, please!”
The dude at the counter rolled his eyes. “That’ll be 22 dollars, sir.”
I patted the pockets of my shorts. My wallet was nowhere to be seen, but one of James’s little machines was stuck to my shirt. I picked it up. It was a little green disk with a button on the center. The button had a cool skull on it! “Can I pay with this?”
He shrugged and took it, running his hand over the button. “Thanks for buying our stuff, sir. Have a day.”
I took my Snuggie home triumphantly. It was the coolest thing I’d bought so far. James wasn’t pleased that I gave his little machine away, though.
I figured out why he wasn’t happy when half of New York City was gone the next morning. Oops!